Jokes and funnies

[CelticKitten]

I feel sorry for that fly 

[metalcelt]

Did you know that Scots invented the guitar string?

true story, two scots were fighting over a penny when they stretched it into a thin wire.

[a_bards_fan]

 ..Me thinks Matts ben dipping in the whiskey barrel too much...lol   

[metalcelt]

*hic* what makes you say that? *hic*   

[a_bards_fan]

Dont know if this one has been posted so here goes nothing!...lol


McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." 

[a_bards_fan]

The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.... ...lol

[a_bards_fan]

The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'

'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.

 

[a_bards_fan]

The Mouse on the Barroom Floor


Some Guinness was spilled on the barroom floor
when the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,
then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
'Bring on the damn cat!'

 ...lol

[CelticKitten]

Well, why do they tell you that you get slender from swimming? Than what are whales doing wrong?

[a_bards_fan]

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
 

[a_bards_fan]

'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
 

[a_bards_fan]

'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
 

[CelticKitten]

Ok, an American tourist steps out of the Central train station here in Antwerp, gets in a cab and asks to be driven to the Antwerp Zoo. (you have to know Antwerp to get that one)

[a_bards_fan]

Guess so...cause that one went right over me head...lol

[CelticKitten]

Well, I'll tell you: the Antwerp Zoo is just next to the Central train station.