So I have this silly idea (what's new) that I want to do for DragonCon. I don't really have time to do it alone, so I thought I'd ask for creative writing Nagians to help out. Here tis.

Andrew and I were talking once again about the Dragon/Virgin taste test and cookbook. What I'd like to do for fun is put together a sorta Star Magazine (that's the stupid magazine with outrageous headlines like "Big Foot Taste Tests Virgin Queen Elizebeth Declares 'She's No Virgin'".

So I want to take silly ideas like that and put together a simple magazine that people can read at DragonCon. Silly stories relating to the song "Do Virgins Taste Better Medley)". You can make them as simple or as perverse as you like. It'd also be nice to have a copule sorta "Journal of Natural Science" study on the same topic with a cultural study on the phenomena.

So if you like to write and want to write just some amazingly silly things, let me know. Email me.

THE MEDIEVAL VIRGIN

Parts:

- Letters to the Editor
- News
- Articles
- Comics
- Personals
- Classifieds
- Fake advertising


Article Ideas:

"How best to beat the Inquisition" or "Beating the Inquisition at their own game"

"Four out of five Inquisitors were not virgins"

"Less Filling. Taste Great. Dragons List Their Top 10 Favorite Virgins of All Time"

"Virginity vs. Hedonism: A Critical Analysis"

"Who Cares What Color Hair You Have! Virgins Have More Fun!"

"From Silver to Gold: Accessorize With Your Virgin White"

"How to Know When You're Showing Too Much Neck"

"Big Foot Taste Tests Virgin Queen Elizebeth Declares 'She's No Virgin'".
   'I don't know how those rumors get started. I mean, you deny Raleigh once and..."

     "Female Dragons Starve for Lack of Male Virgins."




DEADLINE: AUGUST 15th for ALL submissions

We'll order copies via http://www.lulu.com/

Internal pages will be B&W
Cover Full-Color


OH! And anyone have any RECIPES?

Marc, I can have so much fun with this!!!   

~Kiki~

Okay.... is it just me or has anyone else happened to notice that this topic is number "69" in the forum database?  Coincidence?

Want Ads:

Seeking a soulmate
Individual of extreme wealth and wisdom seeks fair damsel for a night of romantic interlude.  A quiet evening beneath the stars followed by a dinner by the fire.  You will be fully enveloped in my care and and enjoy the most sound sleep you can imagine.  Send replies to I.M.Dragon

Squire seeks new Knight
Previous employer was consumed by a hostile takeover and left behind nothing with which to pursue further employment.  Experienced squire seeks a knight with great experience (and perhaps, greater forethought) to vanquish the competition who monopolizes the virgin market.

Wench seeks Financial Advisor
Ever since these dragons started picking on the local beauties, business has increased tenfold due to the lack of other options.  The flying beasts have managed to improve my financial outlook and I seek someone who can help me manage my clientele.  Must be understanding that benefits do not include the product.

Chastity Belts on sale cheap!!!
The market for chastity belts has largely diminished due to the decline in the virgin population.  Therefore, I'm going out of business and everything must go.  Also, white gowns are being clearance priced by my wife's clothing shop.  Be sure to visit our health shop for cures for the various afflictions being spread by the wenches.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Medieval Virgin,

I must protest at the recent increase in rescued virgins who refuse to allow me to remove the one stigma that makes them such consistent targets for the winged beasts.

Take, for example, my most recent adventure rescuing a young lady I shall herewith refer to as Princess Frigid.  Oh, sure, she was thrilled to no longer be in the clutches of that foul menace.  After all, his hygiene leaves much to be desired and the princess types don't handle bad breath so well.

However, once we are on the road returning her to her family, she turns down all my offers to relinquish her of the affliction that puts the mark of death upon her forehead.  Despite that I managed to lose a few fingers and a darn good squire in the deal, she refuses to give me any form of reparations for my losses.  I'm sure she'd have an excuse if my lance were broken, but such is not the case.

I managed to return her home and within a fortnight, she was again being held prisoner by that foulsome dragon.  I say, let the dragon have her.  He might find her to be bitter pill to swallow.

Such has been the case of all the damsels I have rescued as of late.  I am forced to remain celibate until I find my one true love.

Signed.

Sir Herpes, the 2nd

Hey! Remember also to add a byline if you'd like credit for your article. Keep it short but feel free to promote yourself.

DRAGON LOSES SIX TONS ON NEW MIRACLE DIET!

Smaug the Dragon, best known for his leading role in "The Hobbit," reports record weight loss! He's on the miraculous "Virgin Diet," recently released by popular singing group "The Brobdingnagian Bards."

"This diet is the quickest, easiest way to drop all of your unwanted weight," Smaug enthuses. "No more running from annoying knights and nasty bowmen. All I had to do was switch to an all-virgin diet!"

Marc Gunn, one of the two geniuses behind this revolutionary new approach to eating right, confirmed Smaug's statement. He says, "Virgins are nutritious, and they taste great! Much better than non-virgins. And eating virgins gives lots of other health benefits, too. They run faster than non-virgins, which encourages sedentary dragons to get more exercise. And due to the scarcity of virgins, dragons won't be tempted to over-eat."

"Over-eating is a problem with many dragons," agrees his partner, Andrew McKee. "Most dragons go out, eat a nice fat pony or twenty for an appetizer, then polish off half the population of the local town. But it's a lot harder to get up off the hoard and go down to the local town for a quick virgin snack when there aren't any virgins."

Our reporter asked if there was any truth to the rumor that The Brobdingnagian Bards are working above and beyond the call of duty to ensure the success of their new diet by converting all virginal maids within flying radius of known dragon lairs.

"Well, I won't say we don't enjoy a nice tender virgin ourselves," McKee admitted. "Because we do, as often as we can. ...What was the question again?"

Interview with a Dragon
By Matt Hughes

This has got to be the coolest interview I have ever done. I didn’t even know these creatures existed anymore. Imagine my delight when over the news wire I get the message. A Dragon wants to tell his story. I immediately left a note on my boss’s desk stating I was heading there. I was not going to let him assign this to someone who wouldn’t know a dragon from a lightsaber. The dragon was in the forest of Angnor. I had to chuckle all these years of watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail had paid off. I was wondering to myself that perhaps these legends of comedy were maybe telling the truth. I headed to the airport to hop a flight to England. Upon arrival there was a man at the airport with the strangest eyes I had ever seen. They were bright red. He greeted me and asked if I was the person from The Medieval Virgin. I replied that I indeed was the person he was asking about. I asked how he knew who I was. He then pointed out that I had a Medieval Virgin jacket on. Feeling slightly ashamed as such an inane question I quickly moved on to other things. “Are you here to take me to the Dragon?” I asked. He looked around and made sure no one was paying attention. “Dragons are a myth” He replied loudly. “Keep your voice down” I winced. Things were not going to well for me so far. “I am taking you to my lord as he is the one what requested the time of your magazine.”

   I smiled and said “very well then, take me to your lord and master.” The fellow then said “Follow me.” He led me to a limousine and let me in the back of the car. I sat down and prepared myself for this interview. This was by far the oddest request I had seen in my career as a journalist. What kind of questions do you ask of a creature that could swallow you whole if it chose to do so? I remembered then a song I had heard about dragons only eating virgins so I thought this would be a good place to start. I wanted to see if the myth was true.

   We arrived at the cave of the dragon in a couple hours. The driver let me out of the car and walked with me to the entrance of the cave. He then bade me enter the cave and said his master would be inside.


   With some trepidation I walked inside the cave mouth. The path was dark and dreary. Yet the path was smooth and I didn’t stumble once. I finally arrived in a huge chamber that could easily have held three football stadiums. I beheld a sight so awesome that I trembled at the presence of the dragon.

D-D-D-D-Dragon I stammered. He seemed to have a wolfish grin. “Yes” he said "although usually it is just Dragon. Trying to recover from the shock of seeing a beast so awe inspiring was difficult to say the least, but I managed somehow and pulled out my notebook. He then proffered me a drink of whiskey which helped me recover considerably.

MH: So is it true that dragons only devour Virgins?

D: No it is not true. We prefer Virgins as they seem to taste better for some reason. A little cleaner if you will.

MH: Cleaner?

D: Yes it seems that something is released into the human female blood stream after they have lost their virginity. Which of course then flows through the meat and it spoils it a little.

MH: Is it true that knights used to try and save maidens from dragons then?

D: Oh yes all the time. I used to have so much fun with them. I would tell them about this weak spot in my armor. They would always aim their attacks at that spot. Well the first one anyway. Once they saw it didn’t work I usually baked them on the spot and had a nice snack. The looks on their faces was nigh hysterical. I actually was laughing so hard once that one got away from me!

MH: Was that by chance a Sir Robin?

D: Yes how did you know?

MH: Let’s just say that it is part of human mythology

D: Ahh I see. Perhaps you would care to share?

MH: Well there was this movie

D: yes?

MH: Well the movie mentions a Sir Robin who had nearly faced the Dragon of Angnor…..

D: Really?

MH: Errr yes.

D: I see. There was a fellow I seem to recall asking me about Grail Myths once. I was bored so I didn’t eat him. Tell me did he make a lot of money on this information.

MH: I have to honestly answer that I do not know.

D: Hmm I must find this fellow and see if he owes me royalties for this!

MH: Yes errr I have a few more questions if you don’t mind

D: what? Oh, yes. Continue then

MH: Did dragons ever eat maidens as a form of population control?

D: NO!

MH: No?

D: NO! Why would we do that? The more food there is the better. Why would we limit the population? We ate maidens since they tasted better. Although there isn’t much meat on maidens. I usually try to enjoy a good deer or a cow. A lot more meat on those creatures.

MH: What about Hoards?

D: (Eying me suspiciously) WHAT ABOUT THEM?

MH: errr nothing.

D: You are not going to send a bunch of treasure hunters here are you?

MH: No sir. I don’t even know how to get here,

D: Ok then, yes that part is true we do have hoards. We collect the armor of Knights as trophies of a sort. I have a very rare 14th century French Knight in my collection.

MH: A French Knight?

D: Yes he tasted kind of funny.

MH: How so?

D: Something in the blood I think. I haven’t killed a knight in centuries. I miss the sound of boiling flesh inside armor.

MH: What about St. George?

D: DON’T SAY THAT NAME!
It should be noted that I took a five foot step towards the door at this point.

MH: Ok Ok. We won’t talk about him.

D: Damn lucky he was. I mean yes he slew a young dragon. But lucky all the same. Did you know that he got the dragon in the eye. The EYE!!! On a lucky shot I might add. He just waltzed in and said something like God is on my side creature of evil. The dragon in question was laughing so hard that he didn’t even mount much of a defense.

MH: So Dragons don’t believe in God?

D: Oh no that isn’t true at all. We believe in God. We just believe in a god of dragons I can’t tell you his name tho.

MH: Let me guess I couldn’t pronounce it?

D: Yes that is true. No need to be insolent mortal whelp!

MH: Apologies great beast of Angnor

D: That is better.

MH: One last question?

D: Certainly I am getting hungry you know

MH: It will be quick then

D: Good

MH: Is it true that dragons can alter their form to become human?

D: That’s none of your business.

MH Thank you for your time Oh Mighty Dragon

D: You are quite welcome I hope this clears up some myths about us

MH: It did indeed.